If you want to sell a product to North Americans and get the cred of social activism, without actually having to improve the world, there are many things you can do!
Here’s a handy numbered list to print and take to your next pitch session.
#1. Include marching, protest banners and waving flags!
It’s totally like John and Yoko! If John and Yoko shopped at Kohl’s. Am I right?
It’s good to see young people getting out in the streets and marching for things they believe in. Like love and jeans. Try not to gag when Avril says: “It’s time for a new constitution!”
#2. Point a finger at the enemy keeping the good fight down!
Miracle Whip wants you to know that you are a special snowflake. You are far too special to be aligned with the mayonnaise faction…
Did they miss an opportunity for a bitchin’ social media campaign here? “Tweet why u won’t be toned down by mayo!”
#3. Allude to historical movements you had nothing to do with.
Gatorade’s ads are always epic. Here they draw a parallel between their new type of flavoured water and the evolution of human ingenuity in sport. No, really!
Bonus points for creating a song especially for this ad that sounds vintage. Old-timey music makes you nostalgic for movements that never existed!
#4. Be first so you can call whatever you did first a ‘revolution’.
Is there a bigger call to action than telling your audience your product is so inevitable they might have already bought one, so, check your bank statements!
Every time Apple tells me “It’s already a revolution and it’s only just begun” I remember the Segway was supposed to be a transit revolution, but that never happened either. 
#5. Find something wrong and declare you’ll change it.
Kotex’s U campaign tells viewers all the OTHER ads are insulting, but their ad isn’t. Wink wink!
And because it’s not a real feminine product without cause-marketing … the Kotex web site asks women to sign a “Declaration of Real Talk”.
Ladies, do we need all our declarations to be spearheaded by feminine products? Seriously???
Where Unilever’s morally bankrupt Dove Movement only collects your personal info with each signature, the Kotex campaign says $1 from every signature (up to $150,000) will go to an organization called “Girls for Change”.
Finally a declaration I can sign without giving away my social security number.
Unlike Unilever, Kimberley-Clark does not also own a brand actively smack-talking vaginal health. I guess the fact that their “movement” actually suits their product is another 100 bonus points above the dumbass Dove Self-Esteem Fund.
#6. Finally, for max awesomeness…
Use flags, marching, allude to historical movements you had no part in, score it with an old-timey soundtrack AND point out a common enemy … All together in one spot!
Sure, America does do some things right. Advertising being chief among them!
Uh, I made this blog on a PC. So it’s a bit crap. Like real people. 